800-448-3000I Don't Feel Like Living Anymore
Question
I'm an "okay" person when it comes to feelings. I'm very tough. But once in a while or every couple months I feel like crying and getting angry at myself. Everyday I think about cutting butI've never actually done it. The days I feel my worst (like today) I really do have a will to pick up a razor and do it so I won't come back. I want to get help but everytime I try telling my family they don't understand because I'm too embarrassed and anxious to tell them clearly that I don't feel like living anymore. Even if I did tell them, I don't like my doctor. I don't feel like I can share anything with him. My mom would tell me that explaining all of this is just me having a pity party for myself. Am I supposed to feel this way?
Counselor response
We are so glad that you are reaching out. You have a right to your feelings. You can’t order them up like you would a fast food meal. Feelings just come and there is no shame in having these feelings. What is important though – is that you continue to share them and talk about them, because holding them inside would not be good for you emotionally or physically and your suicidal thoughts will likely worsen. It sounds like you are afraid to “say the words” maybe because others will think you are looking for attention or will not understand. You are right, you just don’t know what anyone’s reaction might be, but one thing is for sure – your family and friends would be devastated if they lost you.
The key is by telling a trusted adult, you can get some help set up. Maybe it does not have to be with that doctor. Maybe it can be working with a counselor or talking to a female if you are more comfortable with that. Be specific though. Tell someone that you are scared because you are having thoughts of ending your life. Saying you feel depressed or just off is not enough. The people who care about you need to know how serious this is.
The cutting you talked about would just be a temporary fix. You will have ups and downs in your life, so you need coping tools, not cutting tools, so that you can deal with day to day problems in healthy ways. Remember, most problems in life can be solved. You have a lot of life left to live, and it can be a very good one too. Consider us a part of your support circle. We hope you will call in for some more support now.
Laura, Crisis Counselor